Posted in nzingha81 on Mar 4, 2010... modified on Mar 4, 2010
I have to say that my life is pretty good. I am a college student living in Riverside, CA and will be graduating in the spring. I have a job on campus that I like and where I am liked. I love my classes and have a wonderful array of friends. I am actively working to get into shape and lead a very responsible lifestyle. I do regret that it has taken a long time for me to get here. I was born in Chicago, IL to an absentee father and a mentally disturbed woman. At the age of two, my mother married a very abusive man who made it clear that I was not a welcome member of the family. My formulative years were brutal. Both of my parents were physically and emotionally abusive. My parents were corrupt people who commited scams, like welfare fraud. I grew up in Gary, IN where I was constantly reminded that I did not fit in. I was beat up at home and at school. I was ridiculed by my family, counselors, and teachers. It is hard growing up with a television as your only constant companion. I lost myself in books, television, and food. I counted down the days until college and remained a prodigal daughter. I was accepted to my dream university, but my dreams were dashed when my parents told me that I wasn't going. I was to stay at home and attend community college. I also had to pay for it and pay rent. By then, they had moved to Las Vegas with me in tow. I think that for four years depression overtook me. I ate and I hid. I gave no effort in class. I hated myself and just wished that I could be differant. I think that this is when I began huffing. I just breathed in the seemingly cleansing fumes and got lost in my fantasy world. The sad thing is that I fantasized about having an education and a life. When my parents finally divorced the physical abuse by both parents transitioned into mental and emotional abuse by one. My mother is also a hypochondriac and has been self medicating for years. Pathetically, she is an RN. She would read an article, diagnose me with something then try to medicate me. She gave me shots of morphine one time and I OD'd, throwing up on the floor and passing out. I had enough. My mother, sensing that I was about to leave, made a deal with me that she would take me to California with her so that I could go to school there. She was a travel nurse at the time. I started my own business in child care to pay for classes and commuted from Norwalk to Torrence for school. I was doing very well and finally felt good about myself. I was dieting and excercising to lose weight and was succeeding. A bomb was then dropped. My car was taken away by my mother. My employment was contingent on transportation, so my business fell apart and I was fired by my clients. Dear old mom also decided to leave California and I found myself unemployed without a place to live. Fortunately, she gave me my car back. I slept in it for three months. During those three months, I went on job interviews and looked for places to live. Ironically, just as I was starting to get back on my feet, I recieved a frantic message from my mother about how worried she was. She was my mother, so I went back to her. She promised to not do the same thing again. I still remember the big smile on her face when she asked me "whats wrong" knowing that she was leaving me homeless. That smile still haunts me. I pushed past this incident and got another job, this time in retail. I was doing alright until mom did the same thing again. First, she took my financial statements so that I couldn't establish myself as independent. I needed to do this for school. She then left. I was faced with eviction again. I began huffing again. It healped to ease the pain. I moved all of my possesions to my car and prepared myself to repeat the last year. This time, though, it was differant. Unbeknownst to me, she had repealed the registration on my car. I walked out of school one day and there was no car. Everything that I had in this world was gone. It was towed and I wasn't even allowed to retrieve my birth certificate from it. I spent the next year sleeping in bathrooms on campus and in any open room that I could find. Shelters were impossible to get into. After nine months, there was an opening in a shelter in South Central that I stayed in while going to work and to school. After two months there (and having all of my things stolen once again) I found a place to live. It was an awful place, but it was a roof where roaches didn't crawl all over me at night. I then found a wonderful apartment and roommate. I graduated from that school and transfered to UC Riverside. Thinking about my past sometimes makes me short of breath. I can't breath and can't believe that I lived through that. I hated myself for a long time for the weight that I gained while homeless. I am learning to accept that it was just a consequence of my circumstances. I am happy to say that during my time homeless I stayed in school, stayed employed, and never compromised myself morally in any way. I am an African American female and, at times, I was made aware of the stereotypes that surrounded me. I was harrassed, profiled, discriminated against and assaulted. I emerged from all this whole. I have met very bad people in my life, but have met very good people as well. My past may be twisted, but it helped shape my character. I love my character. I am a reed. I am supple yet strong. I may sometimes bend, but I never break and I always hold my ground. I eneterd this forum to ask for help with a personal issue, but I have decided that I can work this out on my own. To anyone who happened to read this, thank you for your time.
Here since: Oct 24, 2011
Female, 20
going to school for a trade
Riverside, CA, US
Languages: english
Hello my name is Darlene, im a 20 yr old single mother, i have a beautiful daughter she is 2yrs old...she is my pride and joy, she has motived me to do great things such as going to school and do the ... see full post
